Conflict Resolution
Before we can talk about resolving a conflict, we need to discuss what conflict is.
To make things simple we are going to talk about two people with a problem that surfaces. A better word for conflict is a Circumstance that appears suddenly that nobody is ready for or knows what to do with.
Lets just say the Circumstance appears and makes itself known, catching both people off guard.
What happens next is classic. Person A has thoughts and feelings which cause a reaction and ultimately a behavior. This behavior is usually not acceptable to Person B. This goes both ways pretty much simultaneously. The Circumstance is what lies between them.
The expectations of both people vacillate between, blame, you fix it, I don’t like this, don’t know what to do with this to… You did this.
At this point the Circumstance just sits there with no solution in sight. What is happening is that the Circumstance has just grown in proportion with the anxiety and tension of the 2 people involved.
They both buffer around the Circumstance with varying instilled behaviors that they learned from childhood.
In conflict resolution what is required when this unfortunate Circumstance surfaces is that both people stay in their own lane.
Self regulation means introspection, and thinking silently to oneself. Allowing some space, letting the other know you need to think solo without alienating the other, but will be right back. Whoever initiates the separation has the obligation to return as soon as possible, doing nothing else other than to resume problem solving within a reasonable period of time.
The expectations each one has of the other is the actual problem. We demand that other person react to bad news our way. Their ideas of how to solve the problem come from the perspective that the problem is you. The complete lack of emotional maturity escalates and increases the original Circumstance.
Staying quiet within oneself is an art. Allowing another person space to be quiet is also an art worth developing. Making sure the Circumstance doesn’t grow in proportion to the dysfunction of the people experiencing it is the only way to resolve any conflict.
Love and good intentions go right out the window the minute the unexpected shows up. Using the prefrontal cortex, the decision making part of the brain before trouble starts, is an exercise worth practicing. There are no marriages without chaos and pain. Recognizing and becoming aware that you're triggered, knowing yourself and your patterns of behavior, are critical to ensuring emotional health and wellbeing. You cannot depend on another to do this work for you.
A step by step guide:
Understand and acknowledge the problem… The fact that there is a problem here. Before taking any action to resolve the conflict, seek to understand the situation and your partner's opinion.
Talk openly and honestly. Each person has a right to be heard and to express their thoughts and feelings. Speak respectfully and don’t interrupt one another. Actively listen to your partner to gain a better understanding.
Practice empathy. Feel what your partner is feeling. This leads to deeper understanding and a better insight into the issue.
Reach for a compromise when a total agreement seems too far off. With the understanding established above, both parties must show willingness to meet in the middle.
Take short breaks. This will leave room to gain a fresh perspective on the situation and help you reach an agreement.
Practice active problem solving. Discuss various options and plan out solutions together.
If a resolution cannot be made; seek out professional help. Go to a coach or counselor who can offer a fresh and unbiased opinion. This will no doubt lead to a more effective solution.
