Getting our needs met. Responsive vs. Spontaneous Desire
The traditional belief that men are spontaneous and women are responsive when it comes to sex has been deeply ingrained in our society for generations if not always. Women are conditioned to be shy and demure while men are expected to be the hunter.
This idea suggests that men are typically ready for sexual activity at any time. Women are expected to be more passive and only be interested when their male partner is interested in sex. This stereotype has some basis in certain individual experiences and leads to significant problems in a marriage.
First and foremost, this belief can create a power imbalance. When one partner is expected to always be ready for sex and the other has to wait for initiation, this can lead to feelings of pressure, obligation and resentment. The partner who is expected to be spontaneous may feel rejected or unattractive if their advances are not met with enthusiasm. The responsive partner may feel like their own desires are not being considered and they themselves are then referred to as “cold” or uninterested. They just need more time to get in the mood…
Furthermore, this contributes to a lack of communication and hurt feelings. If the spontaneous partner believes that the other partner should always be ready and available for sex, they may not take the time to check in first with their responsive partner and attend to their need for non physical affection. This happens frequently during work separation and Nidda separation. This can lead to a lack of emotional intimacy and a failure to address underlying non-physical issues that may be affecting the sexual relationship.
Dealing with the differences between Responsive vs Spontaneous desire can be challenging but worth the effort to communicate about. With empathy and understanding partners can work together to create strategies:
Discuss sexual desires, needs and boundaries including what turns them on/off and makes them feel desired/attractive.
For example: The responsive partner is feeling tense after a long day. He or she asks for a foot or neck massage or just to talk with no intention of ending up in the bedroom. Communicating up front gently that you are enjoying the touch but you are tired, will help the spontaneous partner “turn off” the sexual need and respond in kind to the emotional desires of their partner.
Addressing issues and finding a way to navigate physical intimacy in a way that feels mutually satisfying and respectful may require the support of a therapist, counselor or coach.
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