Hi ladies, if you have a son soon to be married or know anyone you think would find this helpful, please share.
Gentlemen, let’s focus on the long awaited night. The memory of this first night will last forever.
The responsibility of our first time together, be it positive or negative, lies heavily on you, the man. It is critical to understand how vulnerable it is for a woman to be naked before her new husband. Suffice to say, if there is anything that you perceive that catches you off guard visually, keep it to yourself. Offer her wine, be attentive to her, and ask her if there’s anything she needs or wants. Be charming and cute, make her smile. Let her disrobe herself when she is ready and go at her pace. You must control your urge to touch her in vulnerable areas. Practicing cognitively* speaking to yourself weeks before the wedding and making a conscious decision to maintain presence will help you with your urges and ease chaotic thoughts. Remember, she is going through a lot and so are you.
So, let’s begin.
Remain dressed to a certain extent, keeping undergarments on. (t-shirt and briefs) This will ensure protection against getting overly excited and will enable you to remain focussed on your woman. The idea here is to be intent on pleasing her.
A suggestion for you would be to use coconut oil and to give your wife a massage. Start by touching the exposed areas including her head, hair, neck, shoulders and arms. The goal is to relax her nervous system and build a sense of trust and safety. Sex without trust and safety leaves a woman feeling empty, lost and scared. This is extremely important to understand.
Check in with her to see if she’s feeling relaxed. When the time is right you can also massage her back and legs. Do not remove her bra.
Ask her if she's comfortable and how she’s feeling. Inquiring after her wellbeing will let her know that you’re present. Being responsive and interactive will diffuse the tension between you.
When she removes her bra, breasts should be massaged firmly, gently, not in a hurried manner and not tickled, pulled or pinched. This is not the time for you to put your mouth on them.
Get into the mindset that this night is for exploration and building trust. We want to leave this experience looking forward to being together again.
Lay down on the bed close to her, (but not too close) side by side. Lean in to begin kissing her. (We have a whole section on the kiss in the website). Your breath should be fresh and your teeth clean.
As the passion increases… (still in your briefs) You can then take your hand and put it between her legs, gently exploring the outer area and indicating her to open. We assume that your nails are trimmed, cut and clean. Check out the female anatomy in my book for more.
After massaging the outer area, reach for the coconut oil to lubricate the area inside. Slip a finger towards the top and start investigating where her clitoris is. Sandwiched between two layers of skin you will feel a hard pea shaped object. You don't want to overly massage the clitoris itself. Applying firm but gentle pressure in a circular motion around it, but not directly, so as not to cause irritation. No direct rubbing.
Expecting her to have an orgasm under these circumstances is unrealistic. Do not take this personally. You will have many years B”H to get this right. Tonight, taking this very needed time to learn for yourself the wonders of your wifes body and that you are capable of being in control will pay off big time. This is how to develop true self-confidence.
As the passion is building, ask her for consent and then remove your briefs. The position is face to face. Your hands will be on either side of her head above her shoulders. Get into a woman’s push-up position with your knees on the bed and your toes curled to propel yourself forward. She should then take your penis in her hand and guide you inside a little at a time. At this point you can drop down on your forearms and get closer to her.
This will accomplish two things. Firstly, this position will keep you securely stable on top of her with no need to fumble around trying to put yourself inside. It also gives her the security to let you in at a pace that she can control and is comfortable with. Once you have entered she will put her legs around your thighs and rest her heels on the back of your calves. This position enables her to have an orgasm by pulling you into her vertically creating friction on her clitoris. This will also ensure that you do not fall out and lose seed.
After the fact… There are different opinions about this moment, please ask your Rav. We suggest;
Hold her, do not get up. Stay there until she moves first. Ask her if you’re too heavy on her. When you do move, lay side by side holding her.
At this point you will need to separate.
Ask, “Is there anything I can do for you?”
If she starts to cry or has an emotional reaction, stay still. You are now in a state of Niddah. This is a very hard moment for both of you. Your first reaction might be to shut down emotionally, don’t. If you can, keep it light and maintain connection.
Be proud of yourself. You took your time and showed true self-control. She will appreciate and remember this forever.
Talk about how you’re feeling and ask about her. Expressing yourself is what intimacy is all about.
Don’t take her silence personally, she wants to be you as much as you want to be with her.
The foundation of marriage is more than just physical touch. You can touch another person with your intention.
*Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Thinking about changing a thought will do nothing to change a behavior unless an action is attached to it. Making a statement out loud is an action. Writing is an action. Here are some positive statements you can make, write them down and say them out loud.
“I am in control of my urges”
“My wife's needs come first”
“I wish to please my wife before myself”
“I want my wife to feel comfortable and safe”
Your prefrontal cortex, the decision making part of the brain will take the statement with the action attached and make a new behavior. It must be done in advance of going into the actual situation. Repeating the action and the statement will install the new thought. This method is used in stopping over drinking and in curbing urges from addictions.
